In the days following Anna's funeral, Eddie and I were in dire need of some restful down time. And in God's divine timing, Eddie's vacation was scheduled for the following week. We were so thankful for that gift because we just weren't ready to be away from each other yet. Eddie only gets one week of vacation during the summer months, and I can't imagine that week being more perfectly timed than it was then. Our gracious God knew we would need that time together after losing Anna.
I wonder if any of you reading this are asking the question: If God knew that we would have needed that vacation in that exact time, then why wouldn't God have just prevented Anna from leaving us instead?
I bring up this question because I myself have asked similar ones to this in the past. Maybe this is something that you struggle with as I have. Why does God allow these things to happen when He could very well prevent them?
No one will ever know the exact answer to this question, until we are face to face with our Lord. But as I have been growing in the Lord for the past several years, one thing I have learned is that there will always be suffering in this life. We live in an imperfect world where sin and sorrow dwell. This life will never satisfy us completely because we are destined to live eternally in the perfect Place that is our real Home...Heaven.
There's a song that I love, written and sung by Laura Story. The name of the song is "Blessings." There's a line that says:
"When darkness seems to win,
we know the pain reminds this heart
that this is not, this is not our home."
We live in a dark world where our mortal bodies are imperfect. And, as scripture tells us:
The enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)
Satan wants nothing more than for me to live in resentment and bitterness over the loss of our daughter. But listen to the Lord's answer in the second half of that scripture verse:
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
Our time here on earth is only temporary. And now I have an even greater reason to look forward to my eternal Home. I will get to see my daughter...whole, healthy and happy. If any of you have lost children, you will be reunited with them too! And, with our children, we'll be together at the feet of Jesus. There's no better place to be!
Did God know that we were going to have Anna here with us for only a very brief time? Yes, I believe He did. And I also believe that He has been preparing me for this for a long time.
I recently realized that there was another manifestation of God's divine timing in my life that prepared me for this loss in my life.
Five years ago, in 2008, I went on a Christian music cruise to the Bahamas with my mom and a few friends. One of the Christian music groups that was on that cruise with us was Selah. Their lead singer, Todd Smith, brought his wife and three children with him on that cruise. We were even on one of the excursions with him, his wife, Angie, and their beautiful little girls.
While we were on the cruise, Angie was pregnant and we were hearing some talk that the baby Angie was carrying was very ill and would not be compatible with life once she was born. The doctors wanted her to abort, but she refused. She and Todd decided to trust the Lord with their daughter's future. We all prayed over Angie, Todd and their child that week.
I was so captured by this story that when I returned home, I faithfully followed Angie on the blog that she was writing about her experience. I couldn't wait to read how the baby was after she was born. So many people, including myself, were praying for a miracle.
I prayed for them everyday...these people that I didn't even know. And I couldn't figure out why this was so important to me. But it was.
On April 7, 2008, (one day before my birthday) their precious daughter, Audrey Caroline, was born prematurely around 25 weeks, weighing 3 pounds. She lived for about two hours while they and their family got to hold her and love on her.
And then they had to let her go.
Just like Eddie and I had to.
Our stories are amazingly similar. And little did I know at that time in 2008 that I would be going through this similar experience as Angie.
Angie had written a book about a year after their daughter's birth called "I Will Carry You." In the book, she shares how she managed to get through it all with her faith in the Lord. She shares how the grief changed her and parallels her story to the one in the Bible of Lazarus' death.
I got this book a couple weeks ago and just finished it yesterday. It has helped me tremendously. Had I not known that Angie had gone through this, I would not have known about this book. And even more, I feel a personal connection to Angie and her daughter, Audrey, because of the time I spent with her and praying for her in 2008. That has brought me more comfort than anyone can imagine.
Divine timing.
God knows what we are going to need, when we need it. It may be easy to question why God allows certain things to happen. Here is what Angie says in her book:
"I won't say I don't understand the questioning because quite frankly it makes all the human sense in the world. What kind of God watches a mother hold her dying baby?
Would you allow me to enter into your heart a bit here?
I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity to bring glory to Jesus. Have I wished that it could have been in a different way? Of course I do. And you probably do too.
If I choose to, I could hold that against Him. I can let it embitter me for the rest of my days, as I walk around finding holes in everything He has done. All of us will have times of crisis. All we can do is accept what happens next with the grace that says circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God.
Instead of spending your days focusing on your hurt or lost, allow the Lord to bless you with the grace to believe that what lies ahead will glorify Him. It is the closest thing to true worship that we have in this life. And so often we miss it. I miss it.
It's time to give of our whole selves, having complete faith that whether or not there is life in the tomb, there is breath in our lungs to tell of the great Savior who loves us more than we can know."
I can honestly say, that since Anna's death, making the choice to glorify God has not been an easy one. But it's a choice that I make daily, sometimes even hourly, over and over again. In my weakness and grief, I have to re-choose to do it and re-choose again. Do I feel angry? Yes, I do. Do I question? Of course I do. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely.
But as Angie said in her book:
"As a Christian, I know that I am called to glorify the Lord no matter the circumstance. But that doesn't mean it's going to make sense."
Sometimes we have to trust God more than we can explain or understand Him.
When we put our hope and faith in the things of this world, we will be greatly disappointed. Always.
But when we put our complete faith and trust in God, we will have life...abundant life. God never disappoints.
Even when we FEEL disappointed.
Angie goes on to say:
"We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have. Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees. And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small. To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God."
As the days and weeks continue to move forward in life, the longing for my daughter doesn't decrease in the least bit. But, the pain certainly becomes more bearable with each day. I know that a piece of me will always be with her and I will learn how to live without that piece of me. And until I see her again, I will continue to be Anna's voice and allow her life to make a difference in mine and in the lives around me.
"What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
What if trials of this life...
the rain, the storms,
the hardest nights
are Your mercies in disguise?"
--from the song "Blessings" by Laura Story
No comments:
Post a Comment