On Monday, Eddie and I returned to the hospital in Pittsburgh for our 4 to 5 week follow up appointment. We met with the doctor that was part of the team who cared for me and delivered Anna. We had been anxiously waiting for this day since we left the hospital over a month ago because we have been hoping that we would get some answers as to what happened. What made my body go into labor so soon? What made us lose Anna so quickly?
This was the first time we had been back to the place where
we last saw our daughter. As we walked through
the hallways, a wave of sadness came over me and I suddenly felt like I was
walking through water. My feet became
heavy and although my mind was telling me to walk forward, my body had a hard time
cooperating. It was like no time had
passed and we had just walked out of that place the day before, with empty arms and an empty womb. I felt like the emotional healing that had
happened in me over the past few weeks was suddenly deflating out of me like
air escaping a balloon. The sights and
smells of the place brought me back to the days we were going through that
traumatic time. I gripped Eddie’s hand a
little tighter as we walked toward the office where we would finally hear an
explanation of why we lost our daughter.
We didn’t have to wait long before the doctor came in and
greeted Eddie and I with a warm smile and firm handshake. When he took his seat behind the desk, he
wasted no time and began telling us the results of the pathology report. They had taken cultures and done tests on the placenta.
It was an infection that caused the premature labor, but they weren’t able to come to conclusion of the exact type of infection that was the culprit.It was exactly what I was hoping and praying we would not hear.
He went through a whole list of what germs didn't cause the
infection, but they just weren’t able to pinpoint what exact bacteria went awry
in my body. They were able to determine that it was a bacteria that
already exists in the body and not one contracted from an outside source. The doctor
said that the bacteria “misbehaved” and quickly elevated to a level three, stage three infection which
is the worst type. They were able to tell
that it happened in only a matter of days.
My body did what it was supposed to do:
reject the infection and go into rapid labor to get rid of it before it
harmed me or the baby. They not only found the infection in the placenta, but also in the umbilical cord, which
meant that it was getting to the baby.
So Anna and I could have gotten “very, very ill” according to the
doctor.
My first thought was that God had protected Anna and I. And so I thanked Him.
My second thought was that Anna didn’t suffer. And so I thanked Him for that too.
My third thought?
I was angry.
I know God can handle my anger. And, it’s a good thing…because that’s what I
was…ANGRY. My heart hurt more than I can
even begin to describe with words. In my desperation, I even had a thought of wishing that I would have gotten sick, so that maybe Anna and I both
would have been taken. And I would still
be with my daughter.
I struggled with those thoughts all week. I cried, I screamed, I pouted and I felt myself start to withdraw from life. Just wanting the pain to go away. I missed my daughter so much. And it hurt. It wasn't fair.
On Friday, a good friend of mine delivered her baby at the same hospital we had been in. Only her baby was healthy and strong. And she and her family were going to get to take their baby home with them. I was so, so happy for them. But the pain in my heart increased even more. I got word that her baby was born at the exact time of day that Anna was born. 7:57 am.
The exact minute, Lord?! You couldn't have chosen 7:56 or 7:58??? What are You doing to me, Lord?
It felt like salt being poured into an open wound.
By the weekend, I was spent...emotionally and physically. And I recognized that not only was I dealing with the emotional battle, but my body hadn't fully healed physically either. And that caused bitterness in my heart also. Going through all of the post-partum stuff, but no baby.
It just wasn't fair.
Yesterday (Sunday), we had our church parish picnic and I was bombarded with folks asking me questions. How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? What did the doctor say this week? Lots of hugs, tears and so many caring people. I didn't mind it, really. I appreciated that so many care. Eddie and I are blessed with a wonderful parish family. But, by the end of the day, I was exhausted. I didn't realize how hard that was going to be on me.
When we were on our way home in the evening, I was done. I'd had enough. I didn't even know how I was going to face another day. I had nothing left.
A friend of mine, a sister-in-the-Lord, had posted this scripture on my facebook wall that very afternoon:
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." -- Isaiah 40:31
I had not seen this until I went to bed last night.
I also had no idea that God had something in store for me in just a few short hours.
After we returned home, Eddie and I had decided to go visit with his parents for awhile. When we arrived, his mom and dad were watching a movie called "Facing the Giants." I had seen this movie before, but long ago enough that I forgot the details or how it ended. Eddie and I sat and watched this movie with them, and by the end of it, we were all crying. It is a powerful movie filled with hope and truth of God's Word. As I sat there watching the TV screen, holding Eddie's hand, I felt like the characters in the movie were speaking directly to me. The main character was a high school football coach and at the very end of the movie, he asked his team players one by one, "What is impossible with God?" His players answered, "Nothing, coach." With each answer that the team member gave, I could feel my faith being restored more and more.
What is impossible with God?
Nothing, coach.
Tell me what is impossible with God!
Nothing, coach.
What is impossible with God?
Nothing, coach.
Nothing.
Nothing is impossible with God.
Something happened in me last night. When we left their house, I felt like God had filled me with new life again. I was even breathing better. The heaviness in my chest had lifted. Not only had I been feeling that is was impossible to heal from the loss of Anna, I have been struggling with the fear that we may never get to have any children in the future either. It all seemed impossible.
But I knew that God was asking me, "Carrie, what is impossible with Me?"
Nothing, Lord.
When I awoke this morning, I had a conversation with my Lord as I got ready for work. I told Him that I realized that I had never really handed Anna over to Him. Not completely. In these past 41 days I have been holding onto my daughter, refusing to allow God to have her completely. He may have had her spirit, but I wasn't ready to let him have the part of her that I was so desperately clinging onto...
Her life.
All this time, I have convinced myself that she is mine.
But she's not mine. She's not Eddie's.
She's God's.
We all belong to God. And Anna belongs to Him too. Even if she were still here with us, she would still belong to God. We are not our own.
"For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living."
-- Romans 14:7 - 9
I asked the Lord to forgive me for not allowing Him to have Anna completely. And for not allowing Him to have me completely either. I had been allowing the voice of grief to overwhelm me because I felt that it was all I had to keep me connected with my daughter. I wasn't ready to let her go yet. I had also been allowing the voice of fear to control me, which was keeping me from truly trusting the Lord with my life.
I realized that it's time that I finally give up control. Control that I've never even had to begin with, but convinced myself that I did.
In the middle of my bathroom this morning, I fell to my knees in tears and finally handed my daughter over to God.
And I finally handed myself over to Him completely.
"The voice of truth tells me a different story.
The voice of truth says do not be afraid.
The voice of truth says this is for My glory!
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe
the voice of truth."
~Casting Crowns
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