Boasting of Weakness

The other morning I woke up and realized that I now physically feel like I was never pregnant.

I should be fine with that because it means that I'm healing and we're closer to being able to try and start a family again. But, in all honesty, it was a painful realization.  Just another reminder of the "gap" between my baby and me.

I would be 33 weeks pregnant this week. I would be "showing" big time. It would be even more obvious to the world that there was life inside of me.

But now there's emptiness.

I couldn't wait to wear the maternity clothes that my friend from church gave to me. I did get to wear a few of the smaller ones in the beginning, but not many. And I still haven't taken all of the ones I had not gotten to wear out of my closet yet. I guess, deep down, I'm hoping I'll get another chance to wear them in the near future.

While others around me have been celebrating births, baptisms and first days of school...I have tried so hard to celebrate with them.  But it all just reminds me of the future I'll never have with my daughter.

I know that my dear Anna is praying for her Mommy.  I do feel her prayers.  And the Lord does renew my strength every minute of every day.  Sometimes I feel it, and sometimes I don't.  But that doesn't mean that it isn't there.  That HE isn't there. 

I'm always amazed at how God, in His perfect timing, guides me to the exact place that I need to be at the exact right time....even before I realize that He has. God put it on my heart to meet with a group of people who I have been sharing and learning the meaning of suffering with.  After each gathering, my soul feels like it could soar away on wings.  I feel renewed once again and although things don't make sense on a human level of understanding, my eyes are opened wider to the understanding that it all makes perfect sense in the spiritual realm. 

It's times like these days of agonizing grief that I am so, so grateful for the gift of my relationship with God.  And i am even more thankful for the people all throughout my life who have taken the time to teach me in the Lord's ways when I was seeking so desperately.  Not seeking out of grief or unhappiness in life...just seeking for more of God.  More of God in my life and what my purpose is while I'm here on this earth.  I absolutely can not imagine how people deal with this kind of loss without knowing God. And I mean truly knowing Him.  Not just an "I go to church on Sunday and say my prayers" kind of relationship with Him.  But a deep, personal, intimate relationship with our Father-Creator.

I can't even begin to imagine how overwhelming the despair and hopelessness would be for me if I didn't know my God well enough to understand that He has a greater purpose for all of this.  A purpose that is way beyond my knowledge...bigger and better than I could ever dream of.

When I wake up in the morning with thoughts like I wrote about earlier....and those thoughts are going to keep coming...I can open my eyes and heart to the reality of God's strength and power through my weakness.  Just as Paul wrote to the Corinthians during his time of great suffering:

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take (my suffering) away.  Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

These are the type of scriptures that have been brought to me in past weeks.  Amazing!

Knowing that God's power can be shown more significantly through my weakness...why would I deny the suffering that comes to me? 

I miss my little Anna Danielle with such intense heartache...every minute of every day.  But God's grace is sufficient for each one of those sixty seconds in each and every minute.  And some days, it's all I can do but to desperately cling to God for that strength minute by minute.

But, because I know that when I am weak I am strongest, I can embrace the sacred grief and suffering...knowing that there is purpose in it.  

God, in His mercy, has already revealed to me some of the purpose of Anna's short life here with us. 

I can't wait to see what else He has in store.