Lifetime Treasures

On Tuesday, Eddie and I finally had a day off together.  We worked around the house all day, completing projects and doing laundry, but we made special time to do something that we've been waiting for the right moment to do.

We went through Anna's keepsake box for the first time since we left the hospital without her.

I have raved about the staff at that hospital before, but after going through her box...I am even more amazed at how kind and compassionate they were.

Inside that precious little box were so many valuable things that we will treasure for the rest of our lives. 

We found the tiny pink hat that my mom had placed on her head after she was cleaned off and handed to Eddie.  I remember that pink hat well...it was the first thing I saw as they brought her toward me.  The first thing I said was, "Hey!  She is a girl!"

Right underneath the pink hat was the beautifully crocheted outfit and matching hat that they dressed her in before we got to spend hours with her, admiring her and loving on her.  And under that outfit were cards signed by the nursing staff that cared for us, a journal for me to write in, bracelets that had Anna's name on them and "God's Angel."  Also, her tiny footprints and Eddie's and my thumbprints were on the Newborn Identification Card that displayed her date of birth, weight, height and time of her birth.  Finally, a card in memory of our precious daughter that had a beautiful poem written inside:

 

 

I think what means the most to me about all of this is the fact that they value the gift of life in their facility.  It seems that we hear so much about abortions and the way people in our society throw life away so easily.  It's nice to know that we were surrounded by people who valued our daughter's life as much as we did.

 

I held up her little clothes to my face and closed my eyes, remembering the way she felt in them.  I allowed myself to go back to that hospital room where I could see her face, touch her skin and wrap her tiny fingers around my index finger as I sang to her.

 

After we replaced all of the articles back in the keepsake box, Eddie and I held each other as we both cried familiar tears of sadness and pain.  We decided that it was time to place all of her things....the keepsake box and its contents, the hundreds of cards we've received from people, some of the gifts that were given to us to remember her by, the prayer cards and program from her funeral and the pictures of her from the hospital...in a special place that we can always go to when we want to see them again or share with others in the future, particularly her future siblings.

 

 

 

 

We had gone to Hobby Lobby several weeks ago and purchased a large "treasure chest" to store all of these things in when we were ready.

 

It was time.  We carefully placed all of the treasured items in the box and together we put it on a shelf in our living room where we can always see it and know it's there.  I knew the day before that the Lord had spoken to my heart after I finally handed Anna completely over to Him.  Although we will still grieve for a long time, it's time to move on.  I couldn't hold onto the pain anymore, clinging to it until I couldn't breathe.  The dead flowers from her gravesite were still on our fireplace mantle.  It was time to throw death away and rejoice in the life that was inside me and in our arms for a brief time.  The flowers were tossed in the trash, but we kept the ribbon on them that said, "Our Little Angel" and placed it in the treasure chest too.

 

She is our little angel.  Although, I sometimes cringe when someone reminds me of that.  I still want to feel her kicking and moving around inside me.  But instead, I know she is where she is supposed to be...in Heaven watching over us and praying for all of us, her family.

 

Although we are moving on with life, my heart will always grieve for her.  And I know Eddie's will too.  Our family will grieve as well.  But she will always be our first born.  Our daughter.  Our eldest daughter.

 

With time, God has and will continue to heal our hearts, but we will never forget her.  She will always be a part of us and with us.  A part of our family.  Eddie and I have been including her in our prayer time from the day we lost her.  And our family has done likewise.  At every meal, after we say the blessing over the food and pray for the souls in purgatory, we always end our prayer with "Anna Danielle, pray for us."  She is our Saint in Heaven now and our family will always remember her that way.  We will also teach our future children that as well. 

 

One of the special things that the funeral home did for us before her funeral was allow each of us in the family to write Anna a letter that was placed in the casket with her.  In my letter to her, I wrote what a privilege it was to carry her inside of me and that I will always be thankful that she will be a direct connection between my Lord and I.  Even through the loss, I feel like God gave me that tremendous gift...an even closer connection with Him than I had before.  He actually has a part of my flesh and blood with Him now.  What an overwhelming thought.

 

I have a connection to music in a way that it expressed the way I feel on all levels.  Music is a powerful way that the Lord speaks to me and through me.  I heard a song on K-Love the other day as I was driving.  I have heard it many times over the years, but this time it was exact cry of my heart.

 

"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 

-- by Mercy Me