Hope

Although I had plenty to be thankful for this past year, I have to admit that I am so relieved to know that 2013 has come to an end.  I know it's just a number, but we as humans mark our years with significance as to what happens in our lives. 

So often we hear questions like, "What year did she pass away?" or "What year did you graduate?"

We label events in our lives with years.  It's just how it is.  We even refer to our age by the number of years we have been alive.  Not months, days nor hours.  And it's not that I believe that certain years are "bad" or "good."  Every year...every day...that we're alive is good.  Because God is good. 

But this past year of 2013 had its challenges for my husband and I and our family.  It had its moments of joy, happiness and laughter.  But it was difficult not to allow the pain, sadness and grief overshadow them.

Still, we chose joy.

And this year, we choose hope.

I'm not foolish to think that this coming year won't have its share of challenges and heartaches.  That is a part of life and its in those "stretching" times that we grow.  In fact, my relationship with the Lord grew more intense than it has ever been through the grief and pain of this past year.  When you get to a point where all you have is God, you can either lean on Him or turn away.  And I knew in my heart that turning away would only cause me more pain and heartache.  I need Him with every fiber of my being, and I found that to be true more this year than I ever have in the past.

One of my favorite scriptures came into my life a few years ago, when our church was focusing on the life of St. Paul for a whole year.  This scripture was chosen as the "theme" for the year as we studied his life and his writings.  It's taken from Paul's letter to the Romans:

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)

St. Paul demonstrated hope in his writings and actions.  He inspires me to do the same.  I refuse to live in fear after all that has happened in this past year.  I just received a beautiful message from a very spiritual friend of mine over facebook today: 

It is indeed possible to start again, to find joy, even after it seemed lost forever...through the Grace of God! I've prayed, and Jesus has heard my plea. I stand on His Word, and I truly believe that whatever I ask in His name, I will receive. Thank you Jesus! Have faith and believe...never doubting my friend.

How true are those words.

After we lost Anna in July, although the grief and pain were overwhelming, I knew in my heart that healing would eventually come and that we would be open to life again in the near future.  When we met with the doctor that delivered Anna for our follow up appointment in August, he confidently told us that he and his team saw no reason that we couldn't have a normal, healthy pregnancy next time around.  At the time, he suggested that we wait until October-November to start trying to conceive again, as long as we were mentally and emotionally ready. 

When we lost Eddie's father in mid-September, that threw us into another fresh loop of grief, pain and confusion.  And it seemed a little harder to shake it off that time.  For me, anyway.  Eddie seemed to be doing well, but when October came around I was experiencing odd heart palpations and bizarre thoughts going through my mind.  Suddenly, for the first time in a very long time, I was afraid of death.  And I would lie awake at night, afraid to fall asleep, fearing that I was not going to wake up the next morning.  It was like this bondage of fear had taken a hold of me and wouldn't let go.

Given the history of heart disease in my family, I did pay a visit to my cardiologist to make sure that there was not a physical problem going on.  After wearing a Holter Monitor (a portable device for continuously monitoring various electrical activity of the cardiovascular system) for 24 hours and an echocardiogram evaluation, my cardiologist found nothing to be alarmed about.  He believed that it was stress that was causing anxiety.

I then met with a very good therapist that I have been to in the past to talk with her about what was happening.  I left her office amazed after she shared with me how powerful the mind can be and how it can affect our bodies in ways that we can't control.  Just having the knowledge of how that can happen left such a huge impact on me.  From that day on, my new mantra was "Everything is okay."  The more I told myself that, the more I believed it.

I never had another heart issue again after that.  The negative and fear-filled thoughts in my mind were replaced with positive and life-giving ones.

One week later, I discovered I was pregnant.

psychosomatic: 

(of a physical illness or other condition) caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress.

 

I'm absolutely in awe of how the Lord works.  I cried out to Him for help and He answered me.  And, like a song that we have sung in church proclaims:  "All that is hidden will be made clear.  All that is dark now will be revealed.  What you have heard in the dark, proclaim in the light.  What you hear in whispers, proclaim from the housetops!"

 

Again, I refuse to live in fear.  I refuse to live in darkness.  I crave the light...the true Light.

 

God has never let me down in the past.  And He won't let me down in the future either.  Yes, I know that there is a chance that what happened with my daughter, Anna Danielle, could happen again.  But I will not allow the fear of "what if's" to keep me from being open to life and what God has in store for my children or my family....or for me.

 

As I stood over Anna's grave on Christmas Eve day just over a week ago, I wept with sadness over the pain of how much I wish she was here with her daddy and I and her family.  But, as I sobbed, my hands slowly moved to my belly.  Under my heavy winter coat and the mounds of warm clothes that I was wearing on that cold, snowy day...and beneath my very skin...life was growing there again.  I whispered to Anna that I missed her so, so much but I promise to love this new child just as much.  I thanked her because I knew that she had a hand in bringing this life to my husband and I.  Anna is this child's guardian angel.  I just know it. 

 

Anna will always be with us.

 

 

Hope.

 

Sounds like a beautiful name for a little girl, doesn't it?