My Dearest Anna,
Sometimes the days are long.
And the nights...even longer.
Even though it's been more than four months since you've been gone, there are nights when I'm lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come, and I swear I can feel you moving inside of me. Especially when I'm laying on my left side. That was your favorite side, and I assume because it tilted you closer to my heartbeat.
I remember when I first felt your kickboxing moves in my belly. They were quite painful and I remember talking to you softly, begging you to please stop so Mommy could get a breath. I knew then that something was wrong. It shouldn't have been so painful. And I shouldn't have had to ask you to stop moving so much.
But after a few weeks, the pain stopped and I welcomed your dances within my womb. In fact, I waited for them. It was a feeling I will cherish forever because it was the only movement I'll ever get to have of you. Once I delivered you on that very early painful morning in July, there was only one more movement I got to witness from you...your left arm twitched once as you were passing away from us. Even though your heart beat for a couple more hours after, that was the last sign of life from your tiny body. I will never forget that. It seemed so unfair that you didn't get to move anymore.
I took every ounce of you in that morning, from the tiny dark hairs on your head to your perfect toes, knowing that I will never see you again while I live on this earth. But in Heaven....you will still be perfect in every way. And I will not only get to hold you and watch you grow, but I will get to dance with you and sing with you and share all that I missed out on with you. Oh, how I long for that day!
I find it amazing how everything looks so different to me now.
When the first snowfall came earlier this month, I immediately thought of you and how I would have been bundling you up in your adorable snuggly, warm clothes that I'm sure your grandparents, family and friends would have bought for you to wear. I could picture myself toting you up the walk from our house to the car in the driveway while you stayed safe and warm in your baby carrier.
As I have been getting our house ready for the approaching holiday, I keep imagining what it would have been like to have you with us at your first Thanksgiving with the family in our home....everyone fussing over you and the joy you certainly would have brought to our family, even as we will be mourning the absence of your Grandpap Ed this year. When I set your Great-Grandma Goldie's china out on the dining room table for the Thanksgiving feast, I will picture you and Grandma watching me from Heaven, as she holds you in her arms and sings "In the Garden" to you. Her favorite hymn.
Can you do Mommy a big favor? Can you give me a sign that morning so I know that you and Grandma are there with me?
I imagine Christmas will be even harder for me. I know that you would have been showered with so many gifts for your first Christmas. There will be a stocking on our mantle with your name on it for Christmas. It will hang there every year with your Daddy's and mine and hopefully your future siblings' stockings. You will always be a part of our family.
I don't mean to be a downer as we near the holidays. I just want you to know how much I miss you. And I share this with anyone who wishes to read it. Because if they have lost a loved one, especially a child, I want them to know that they are not alone in their grief and pain. But it's important for us to remember that as we await the coming of our Lord in all His glory, the Advent Season is the perfect time to reflect on all that we long for. This world can never satisfy our greatest desire...to be with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns forever and ever.
I know that you are with Him now, Anna. Safe in the arms of our Savior. And so are many others who have gone before us. You give us even more of a reason to long for Heaven and live our earthly lives in a way that reflect the Savior's love to all.
I miss you, little one.
Love always,
Mommy
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